Thursday, January 08, 2009

Somedays, I Hate My Dog

(warning, not for the faint of heart or easily squeemed. OK for all dog people.)

It's not true, I don't hate my dog. But yesterday I hated my dog. I had forgotten about it this morning when I woke up. Then he pooped and I remembered it again.

I injured my back about 3.5 weeks ago, which is part of why I've been slow to blog. It hurt to sit, it hurt to stand, it hurt to exist. I really couldn't walk Mac, and I felt really bad about that. But really, if I couldn't even sit here and be my normally humorous self for my scads of faithful readers, how was I going to walk my 60lb beast (or drive my porsche)? He is normally very good on walks, unless he sees/smells a C.A.T. but even bending to put a leash on him was a serious risk.

So we went on our first few walks last week, and yesterday went on our first real walk, for about an hour. Mac was a stud, of course. We were in a rough, not all out ghetto, neighborhood near my work, because I had seen some awesome graffiti that I wanted to take pictures of. We saw some strange dudes, some strange dudes looked at Mac funny, and Mac came eye to eye with a tied up lab that I hadn't even seen because it was up high, and Mac whimpered once and shook it off, literally. I said (outloud, because I'm awesome like that) "Mac, you are making me very proud!" I mean, this ole man had remembered all his good stuff and hadn't had any practice in the weeks I've been laid up.

UNTIL. I was taking a picture and looked down to see Mac muzzle-deep in human shit. There is no excuse for that. Doesn't Mac know he's human? Doesn't Mac understand consequences? Like the fact that not only will I be a combination of enraged, disgusted and horrified for at least 6 hours, but also that I will not allow him to cuddle or get a kiss anywhere near me? And seriously, don't dogs understand complex emotions like rage, disgust, and horror? And really, I know many dogs don't, but this is MAC we're talking about!#)*^@&#$^&@^(#%!#&^ I am sure I let out some seriously foul language, but this is Oakland we're talking about, and as I mentioned, a generally distasteful neighborhood, where they've heard it all before. I believe I told my friend that "I am hating life." That about sums it up.

Well, I woke up this morning, after a fitful night of sleep thanks to Mac, (a forgivable, minor sin), and forgot all about our caca incident. I was ready to go back to normal dog/human relationship where I do not expect higher emotional intelligence, or discerning appetites. Until... Mac took a crap. I have never seen or smelled anything like this crap. I see and smell lots of horrific, disgusting and enraging things, on a daily basis. What shelter worker doesn't? This was a dog crap made out of human crap. I don't vomit much. I almost vomitted ON Mac's crap of crap, which I'm pretty sure would have been a never ending cycle, as Mac seems to have a propensity for vomit, as well. He felt no shame, and didn't even look sorry, uneasy, or guilty. Who IS this dog? Where did he come from? Where is the genius I raised and where can I get him back?

Yours, the enraged, disgusted, horrified, and generally anthropomorphasizing themacinator.


Katie said...

Oh Mac. That is just not right.

Harv vomited cat shit on my livingroom carpet once. That was probably the grossest thing I've ever had to clean up. And I've cleaned up a LOT of gross things.

Sarah said...

Ugh, you have my most sincere sympathies. Like you, I have cleaned up many nasty animal messes, but nothing was as bad as the time that Sunny ate, and rolled in, human shit. I almost disowned her, I swear I did.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to retreat into my little fantasy world where my dogs don't eat poop.

Melinda said...

I've had many human shit/dog encounters over the years. Dogs are foul. Once, I had to clean a vomited (used) tampon out of the back of my truck. My friend, owner of the vomiter, was pretty mortified when I told her. In fact, she laughed so hard she cried and peed her pants; all the while apologizing profusely for her foul beast of an animal.

harleymom said...

why, why did I read this? I knew it was going to end bad and I kept reading anyway