Tuesday, June 16, 2009

It Happened Because Reality Just Became Real

I've been wanting to write a blog about CSI: Miami for awhile. About the totally humiliating fact that while I don't own a TV, I am addicted to this show. It's bad. The show is bad and my addiction is bad. I really have no TV, but CSI: Miami is readily available on Netflix- you hit play and you can watch every episode in order. At least to season 7 or 8 or whatever year I'm on. That's a lot of really bad TV. Many, many hours of commercial free crap. At least the first CSI, the Las Vegas one, had better plots, more dialogue, and some semblance of dialogue. The characters were actually developed, and it was kind of interesting to see what happened to them. In Miami, well, there's about 100 words per show, and the only reason to watch it is the pretty pictures, to think about how they shot each shot, etc.

There are so many problems with the show. WHY do the CSI's wear hot trendy half-naked outfits everywhere they go? I mean, high heels and crime scenes really don't mix. Except on TV. And even on TV, it's a little excessive. These are the richest, trendiest, sexiest and least believable police employees ever. It's really also pretty cool that they carry, but they don't wear bullet proof vests. I'm pretty sure bullet proof vests don't fit under skimpy tank tops or the suit jackets the dudes wear. And even if they did, they don't have the snow-man look of the vest-wearer. Maybe they invented the world's-thinnest-bullet-proof-vest just for Miami cops? In (one of) the episodes I watched yesterday, they even had Animal Control stop by. The ACO also wore a hot little outfit and some heels. She bathed a dog after she took it as a protective custody, even though she had to "fully sedate it" to get it into her truck. All very likely.

The police officers are back up for the CSI, who solve all the crimes. The lab is like a shiny new toy, and the federal government hides the bad guys because they're all actually good guys in other crimes. The technology involves touch screens and weird computers that you can set cell phones onto and it sucks the data out and puts it onto 3D screens. Don't forget the facial recognition software where you can find anyone's identity from a photograph.

And another thing. Let's just pretend for a second that David Caruso's character wasn't totally ridiculous- why does he get to kill someone in every other episode with impunity? (Again without the bullet proof gear.) Sure, he's a lieutenant (know a lot of crime scene investigators who are lieutenants?), but I don't know of a lot places where a police officer who shot someone every (I'll be generous) month or so could go unpunished. I get it, it's TV. We need sexy babes, we need action in the form of good guys killing bad guys, and a character who is recognizable. I guess that's the reason Horatio (David Caruso) has to say the same lines over and over- multiple times a show, and thirty to forty times a season. And why, WHY? does Horatio stand sideways when he talks to people and tilt his chin down and peer up at them? It's a strange body language tic, and it's annoying.

Did I mention I'm addicted?

The episode that finally inspired this blog, and tipped me over the edge into admitting my addiction is based on "The Bachelor," another show which I wouldn't watch. Really wouldn't watch. I guess girls compete for a boy's attention? This episode starts out with a a pretend show where the girls are about to find out between the final two girls who the man has picked. Of course one of the contestants is dead, because someone is always dead on CSI. When asked why this happened, Horatio answers, in typical fashion, "it happened because reality just became real." The ridonkulousness of this show is also real. And there's no reality about it.


Val said...

Never seen an episode of CSI Miami, but I can relate to the bizarre addiction. I can't stop watching the Real Housewives of NYC and NJ.