Monday, March 01, 2010

I'll Kick Your Ass

T and I had a conversation the other day sparked by 3 Woofs & A Woo's awesome post about threats and other unkind things we say to our dogs. 3 Woofs really has an awesome list, and she's also got 89 comments with other good threats, like "I'm gonna throw you out the window (of our 1 story ranch house)." Many people confess to a very real sense of relief that they are not alone in their nasty threats to their dogs. Please, read that blog and at least some of the comments first, before you read my threats to Mac because... I'm not alone, dammit. (And I don't mean them.)

Like T, I often tell Mac I'm going to kick his ass. I think we started saying that one together. Just this morning I found myself telling him that I would kick his ass to Montana if he didn't come in the house, and then following that with "Montana is a long way away."

I frequently threaten to return Mac to the shelter where I adopted him, after either removing his microchip or somehow unregistering it. This definitely entails night drop. I've brought Mac to every shelter I've worked at, to visit, but I've pretended that I was bringing him in. Someone always believe me. I guess I'm convincing...

T and I used to tell shelter dogs we'd take them behind the woodshed if they didn't behave, which sounds particularly barbaric, and I believe that we meant it to sound that way.

I frequently tell him he's dumb as a post, or "big head, small brain." I think, actually, i kind of mean this one...

You? Whaddya tell your dog?


two of my favorite subjects

7 comments:

Jacked Up said...

When my dog is a butthead, I tell her, "Nobody likes you and I'm about ready to drive you to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead." I have never told my 17yr old cat that.

Pibble said...

My brother used to say "we're gonna take you out back and hit ya over the head with a big rock" but he used to say it to me when I was a kid, too. He never meant it for his dogs, but he might have meant it for me. :)

I also say "why I oughtta..." Which makes my Pit Bull smile. Which in turn makes me laugh.

Schwang said...

I guess we do more name calling. I tell Miss M she looks like a monkey...but that might actually be a complement because a monkey is probably smarter than her.

vianaturae said...

i never threaten wally. he's too much of a baby and i just can't. he's to special to be mean to him, even in jest because he's just too special and been thru too much.

but he has many borderline insulting nicknames (wallygoat, sir walter rickets, baby huey to name a few).

i will talk about him behind or in front of his back, and explain that he's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but generally that's followed with "but he's very sensitive and intuitive." and whenever Lauren says he's fat i counter with, "just big-boned with a small head and long legs."

Dognerd said...

I like to remind Q-tip that she is the least favorite dog in the house, and I threaten the dog walking dogs with knuckle sandwiches.. breakfast lunch AND dinner if they are being really bad.

themacinator said...

i have also threatened many dogs with needing "come to jesus moments." that's not so bad, is it?

Meera said...

What I don't understand is how you could let poor Mac put his cute bottom on that very questionable sofafree.

I often threaten to "send them back where they came from". But mostly, when they are being extra cute, I promise to eat them for dessert.